| life sucks. i cant stop thinking about the 8 dollar box i bought a CVS a week ago. it sits in my middle console waiting. waiting for me to break, and im getting really close. its come to the point where i can't even stay happy for more than an hour. our anniversary is coming up. it will most likely be a let down. like the wedding. and pretty much the entire marriage. i hate what my life's become. my son could care less about me when his grandmas here. i hate that so much. he'd rather follow her around than follow me. hes so content sitting in her lap but whens hes in mine, he tries to break free. i feel like im doing something wrong. and i know i am. im not setting a good example for him. all my life people have walked all over me, and yet, the one person you would think not to, does. i work my ass off for him. i come home, and pick up his fucking mess. i wash HIS fucking dishes. i live with his dirty ass family in the fucken middle of no where. and he doesn't lift a fucking finger. all he does is play his stupid ass xbox and computer. my days off are spent like this, wake up, feed jeremy, change jeremy, play with jeremy, yell at raymond for trying to have sex in front of jeremy, clean up the room, wash everyones dishes and jeremys bottles...and the list goes on. raymonds excuse for not washing dishes "i only use ONE bottle. why cant you just wash ONE. thats all you need." i know wtf right. i hate being married. he has NO respect or appreciation for me. raymond hasn't had a job since FUCKEN DECEMBER. 7 fucking months. can yo ubelieve that? every day is the same thing. "im gonna go apply there later" or "i have to go type up my resume today". but does any of that actually happen? nope. i have no faith anymore. he says that "you have to have faith in me." and " ican't apply place under pressure" you have a mother fucking son. your gonna have pressure no matter what. i want to leave so badly. but it never works out. "were a family. you can't leave your family". if only he truly knew what a family meant. that we need to support each other...that because hes the head of the fucking household, he NEEDS to fucking set the example around here. what kind of example is he setting for my son? you don't need to work, you wife is a piece of ass that your entitled to grop whenever you please, and that if you don't want to get off your ass to find a job to help SUPPORT your family, you don't have to because you sorry excuse of a wife can work. who cares if shes trying to go to school. promises don't need to be kept either. if you don't feel like arguing with your wife, lie to her about applying places, and actually caring about moving out of your parents house. i mean fuck, who DOESN"T want to live with your parents at 26. everyone does it. i hate him. so much more than i should. i wish i could just leave. i wish he would realize that i don't wanna do this and let me leave. jeremy would be so much better not knowing how much a sucky ass person he is. i don't want him growing up like raymond. i want jeremy to be 10x the man he is. i wish raymond appreciated me. i wish he worked, and i wish he was better with money. i wish he didnt treat me like a piece of ass. i wish he was romantic. i wish he cared about my feelings. i wish he wasn't my husband. i wish i married someone who WANTS to take care of me, and treat me like i deserve. ive put up with so much bull shit in my life, i deserve to be happy. i deserve to be taken care of. i deserve to like someone actually loves me. i hate my life right now. |
